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12 July 2008 @ 05:49 pm
This is like socialmoth on facebook...But the thing is I will never be accepted into my family or society (but mostly my family I hope...) because I am who I am. Like the way I am upsets people. All I want out of this life is to be loved, spoiled, cherished, I wanna be accepted for me. I want to find a place where I can stay and during my stay there i won't be forgotten or rejected. I know that I will be sooner or later and I would have to find a new place. But I want someplace and someone to be mine truly mine. However, that's never gonna happen not for me anyways. I gave that wolf my heart, and he not only rejected me, but gave it back to me shredded, torn into pieces, and bleeding. Once again, I have to find and pick up the pieces. I realize that this happens to everyone but I think it hurts more for me. Is cause I try not to fall in love, but when I do, I love with all of my heart. Its not just one little section in danger its all of it. And since he already confirmed one fear, I can't help but wonder, "Will he forget me too?" I'm always frightened that one of my friends would confirm or make one of my fears come true, and once one does, the other will too. This is what my mom and dad (and sometimes my sis) tells me about my friends, that they're useless and I shouldn't bother with them. But I do, cause I'm closer to most of my friends then my own family! My mom compares me to my sister, because she's smarter than me. And also to her friends' two daughters because I'm turning out to be like them. My grandma compares me to well everyone for reasons beyond me. But according to her, my cousin, Jessica, she's two years younger than me is smarter than I am (which is probably true...I don't really have a brain). I'm at that point where I'm pretty sure that I don't give a shit of what they say. But their nagging and trying to make me into something that I'm not pisses me off. I know that there are people out there whose lives are worse than mine, but right now I can't help it...For the past couple of days, I've been wondering if people would miss me when I'm gone, or would they cheer in happiness? If people would notice if I went off the deep end or started cutting again? I once asked my ex, Aj, "Why was I born?" I forget what he said but I remember saying that I was born because my parents didn't have enough money for an abortion. Maybe, that wasn't true, but what if it is? My mother has asked countless of times, "Why did I give birth to you?" and/or "How could I give birth to someone like you?" I forget which, I'm not very good at translating Chinese to English...
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
01 July 2008 @ 01:27 pm
Always alone
Day by day
Night by night

Her friends,
Stand by
While their
So called
"Precious" friend
Slips away into
The darkness,
The pain

As their friend
Slips further
And further
Into the darkness

As their friend
Slips farther
And father
Away from them

They realize that
Once their friend
Is gone...

She will never
Be the same friend,
That she was when
She left them

Alway alone
Now and
01 July 2008 @ 01:06 pm
You know its so weird....he knows that i love or am in love with him and yet he doesn't do anything.  I mean yea maybe hes a gentleman but come on, and he finally did do something when his like dream or something told him.  And when like we make out and shit he doesn't respond!  And hes like ur a good kisser and all!!  Damn you, for plaguing my mind still...DAMN YOU!!!